This is not the Pride Month/writing update/I am so proud of myself for adulting post that I wanted it to be. This is me, smacking my damn head against my desk at 11:00am because everything in my life seems to be going wrong.
Last night, I couldn’t sleep, which means I indulged myself in my purest form of self-care. I’ll either get out of bed when I should be sleeping (but I don’t sleep so I basically just lay in bed and scroll through TikTok) get up at 2:45am and then get into the shower. I will play the same song or playlist on repeat and just… stare at the wall and dissociate for an hour or more? When I’m done (or the chronic pain is kicking my ass) I will emerge from the shower, squeaky clean, my legs will be shaved, hair washed AND conditioned, AND deep conditioned, and I will have scrubbed my skin until it is bright red and shiny, and one more minute of scrubbing will make me bleed.
Anything more or less is not good enough.
Sometimes, this is just what I need. It’s like scrubbing the stress away. It’s not for everyone. And that’s okay.
I wanted to come on here and talk about how proud I was of myself for adulting yesterday. I found a new doctor, made a doctor’s appointment, I went shopping, got my car from the shop, rearranged my bookshelves, did laundry, and I even folded it and put it away in the same day. Was it everything I wanted to get done? Hell no. But was it enough, especially for me? Especially for someone who deals with chronic illness and mental health issues. Yes.
Instead, I got woken up by a phone call this morning at 9am from the so-called doctor’s office I spoke with yesterday. Apparently the “doctor” they wanted me to see, was not a doctor at all. Just a physician’s assistant, and that is not what I needed. Even if it were, without a PCP they would not allow me to see them anyways. Defeated? Not a big enough word for how I felt. Nope. I wanted to roll back over, pull the blanket over my head, and go back to sleep. I wanted to say fuck the list of things I was hoping to get done today, before the doctor’s appointment I was supposed to have tomorrow morning. Because, if I wasn’t going to go to the appointment all of that could wait, right?
Wrong. Because today, like most days, I am apparently too stubborn and spiteful to just lay down and die. “Sit down, shut up, and take it.” Are apparently words that have no place in my vocabulary, and no place in my life. Sometimes, I almost wish they were but, I’m far too stubborn for any of that.
So I press onward. I don’t have any other choice.
-Sky
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