Today Was Hard…

        Today was hard. Harder than almost every other day I’ve had lately.

        And I’ve spent the entirety of it trying to explain away my feelings. But, have you ever been so angry, so frustrated, and sad, and anxious all at the same time that you didn’t know what to say? Where you don’t know what to do with your hands, caught somewhere between laughing, crying, and screaming hysterically? All of them describe me today.

        I didn’t sleep much last night. No surprise there, sleep has been almost impossible for me lately. But, I was okay with that. I fell asleep around 10pm and was up again by 2am. From there, I got in the shower to try to ease the pain and the aching in my body- scalding hot, too hot for almost anyone else because ice does nothing for my pain.

        I used my favorite orange and ginger soap and washed my hair. I always sleep better when I’m clean. But it was more than that, usually, you want to be clean when going to the doctor. Especially one you’ve never met before… however, that’s not the way things turned out. Instead of meeting with my new doctor, and getting the medical help I desperately needed, I got turned away before I barely got in the door.

        His office takes my insurance. That was half the battle- not many doctors like taking state insurance for whatever reason but, they do. I’ve had this appointment in place for three months. They called me the day before yesterday to confirm it- where again, I specified and asked if they took my insurance. Again, they said yes, and assured me that they took it and the doctor was going to see me.

        I double and triple checked with the insurance too. Guess what? Advocate Medical Center takes BCBS insurance. The doctor takes my insurance. The office takes my insurance. Even the doctor’s name is on my insurance card but, apparently, I did something wrong. I checked all my boxes, and did everything I could have and should have to make today go as smoothly as possible but, that just wasn’t in the cards for me.

        So, someone please tell me why at 7:15am after next to zero sleep, and more than my fair share of anxiety over this appointment that I was waiting for, was I turned away? According to the secretary, they aren’t taking new patients with my insurance. Refused to let me pay out of pocket for the visit because of my insurance, and all sneered at me when I got upset. She wouldn’t let me speak to a nurse, or the office manager to get it rectified. Just sat there, with her holier than thou attitude at 7:15am and dehumanized me. Of course, I got upset, no one waits 3-months for a doctor’s appointment they don’t need.

        I was no longer a person to this woman. That was clear by the way she smiled at me when she saw me terribly upset after limping my way into their office, in the BREG boot that I hate. I told her I made this appointment months ago, through the very office who is no longer taking “new” patients with my insurance. Not that they were taking no new patients, just not any with my insurance. I felt discriminated against, dehumanized, and most of all… humiliated.

Everyone in the office was staring at me.

So, I did the only thing I felt I could do. I limped my way out to my car, sat in the front seat, and completely fell apart. I sat there for a long time, shaking, crying, and hyperventilating. There was nothing else I could do. I sat there for a long time. I don’t know how long exactly before I started the car and drove myself home. What else could I do?

I needed this appointment. I needed a good doctor that would help me. One that would listen to me and look at my symptoms. Not just slap a band aid on the problem, and hope it went away like Saini did last year with my leg. You’ve had a hard year. Take these pills, they’ll help. Even if I had taken them, it wouldn’t have fucking helped. Sure, maybe I’m depressed. But, antidepressants will do nothing for untreated fractures, torn ligaments, and CRPS.

So, today has been a very, very bad day for me mentally, physically and emotionally. I’m still feeling the effects of the panic attack in my car. All of my muscles and joints are sore, and they hurt. My head is throbbing, and no amount of Tylenol or Advil will touch the pain. I feel like a raw, gaping wound- overstimulated and oversensitive. But most of all, I feel like I am less of a person because of the way I was treated today.

Maybe I am.

I don’t fucking know anymore.

-Sky