Lately, I feel like I want to do one of two things. I’m either in the mood to write, and yet I’m too exhausted… or I’ll pick up my pen and paper, or my laptop or whatever it is, and my mind will just go completely blank. It’s like this sound that I see all over TikTok.
“Head not empty. Head full of thought. Thought go ZOOM! Zoom so fast, brain no perceive. Head look empty, head too full.” — it’s one of the major symptoms for me when I’m burnt out. I feel anxious… literally, all the time. My leg is bouncing four miles a minute, and I know it drives the people around me crazy but there’s nothing that I could do about it, even if I wanted to.
I’m also not sleeping again. My sleep patterns are so fucked up that it isn’t funny. I’ll be laying in bed at 3am, staring at the ceiling, begging my body to just go to sleep. And it’s not because I’m watching TV, or up on TikTok, or playing a game on my Kindle, or immersed in a book. Physically, my body is done and dead tired, but my mind just won’t fucking stop. Then, if I do sleep, and I do mean if I’m exhausted and fatigued all day anyways.
Then there’s the lack of creativity I feel. Like I don’t have a purpose. I feel like I can’t do or create anything, even though I want to. I can sit there and try my hardest but it’s like trying to spin straw into gold. No matter how hard you try, it’s just not going to happen.
Numbness is another big sign for me that something is seriously wrong. I just don’t care. I don’t have any drive to even work on my writing, or reading, or whatever it is half the time. There’s no interest, and I just can’t bring myself to care. Of course, I’m sitting down right now, writing this post but, it’s 9:14pm and I said I wanted to have my posts done, written, and up by 7.
And cynicism is another. I’m not generally the optimist here- that’s Angel’s job. She’s the optimist, I’m the pessimist, and half the time for a pessimist I’m still pretty optimistic but, right now it just feels like I can’t. It feels irritating, and pointless, like even if I do get this draft, or this outline, or whatever done it’s not going to matter anyways. Like, I don’t know how to combat that.
I don’t know how to deal with the burnout, or the emotions, or the frustration that I’m feeling and it’s just hard. I don’t know how to fix it, or combat it, or anything. But I want you to know that I’m trying. I can’t see my progress yet, and I’m pretty sure a lot of you can’t either but, I am trying. I want to make you, and my loved ones proud. I just don’t know how to do that yet.
-Sky
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