With less two full days before I have surgery, I think it’s fair to say that I have a lot of thoughts… SO. MANY. THOUGHTS. I think that’s normal though when it comes to major, lifechanging surgeries though, right? So much so that, most of the time, I don’t even know how to form coherent thoughts on the matter.
So, I guess I’ll just start at the very beginning.
I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to have surgery. I don’t want to get covid tested. I don’t want to do blood tests. I don’t want to do any of it. I hate doctors. I hate nurses. I hate hospitals. I hate it all. I think I would rather have them cut off my whole damn leg than put another DRG device in my back since the first DRG surgery didn’t really help me at all.
In preparation for this upcoming surgery, I met with my hematologist for the first time today. Let me just tell you that seeing the word “Oncology” on the front of that building did absolutely nothing good for my anxiety. The entire time I was sitting there with Angel, I felt like jumping out of my skin, grabbing my walker, and hobbling the fuck away as fast as I could but, I sat there and smiled politely throughout the whole thing. Because that is what you’re supposed to do. After all, I’m the one who made the appointment (at the GP’s behest) so it made no sense for me to run away, right?
The nurse was AMAZING. She was so kind, and sweet, and friendly. She had a very thick German, or maybe even Polish accent, and I wish I would’ve been able to ask her which one because it was very pretty. Her bedside manner earns them five stars, and that’s just on her. Even if I didn’t like the doctor, this nurse still would’ve carried the whole doctor’s office for me. But even the doctor was INCREDIBLE.
If you know me personally, you know that I don’t like doctors. Even if you don’t, since you’ve made it this far, you now know that I do NOT like doctors. But this doctor is probably one of the best that I have ever seen. He, too, had a very thick, pretty accent but, he was also very easy to understand. The doctor stayed with us for a long time, going over blood tests, explaining things, and answering whatever questions Angel and I had.
(This was probably the first doctor aside from the allergy doctor that didn’t treat Angel like a piece of furniture or look at me funny for having my berry-colored walker with me. Muscle spasms lately have been killing me.)
The only thing I didn’t like about the appointment was the blood test. -I know, hematologist, blood doctor, a blood test was only to be expected but… I still hate needles. Needles suck. Nurses, nine times out of ten, also suck in my own personal experience. Because it doesn’t matter how many times, they’ve done this, they cannot get my blood on the first try, or without blowing my vein. The nurse that they sent in was really sweet, and so was the girl that she was trying to teach. They even got my blood on the first try! However, the vein is blown, and my arm is very swollen, and bruised already.
Such is my life though, right?
Tomorrow, I have to stop eating at midnight (so no late-night popcorn and movies) and I’m allowed to have clear liquids up until 3-hours before surgery. I guess Rush got tired of turning me into a pin cushion before every procedure because they don’t seem to realize that I am chronically dehydrated, and the only thing they’re doing by not letting me have liquids is putting me through more trauma. (Some people will call that dramatic but, I have anxiety. Very bad anxiety. Needles give me anxiety, and therefore, I find surgeries traumatic.)
As for now, I’m going to see if Angel wants to watch another episode or two of The Haunting of Hill House with me before bed. Have I seen it before? Yes. Did I watch it with mom? Yes. So, while the jump scares and all that no longer get me, I still love the show. Especially when the dog is tucked up in bed with us. Bear likes to be tucked into the bed like a people. He is a weirdo but, it’s okay. We love our weirdo snoot-snoot. Off to bed with popcorn and scary shows it is.
Goodnight.
-Sky
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