(TW: Depression, Mental Illness, Chronic Illness, Missing a Loved One)
Days like this remind me just how much depression really sucks.
That sounds a little odd, and I know it. Because if you aren’t someone who suffers with depression or mental illness, you might be thinking that us depressed folks just sit around moping, or we sleep all day instead of interacting with society. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Depression looks a lot different for everybody, and I don’t claim to know anything about everyone’s journey but, I can tell you a little bit about mine.
Every day with depression, at least for me, doesn’t look the same. In fact, I can’t think of two days that have ever looked the same. Just like every day with chronic illness for me doesn’t look the same. There are some days where I can do more, get up, go out to the store, brush my hair, shower, and make you think that I am somewhat of a productive member of society. There are also days, however, where I will stay in bed all day, crying, unable to get up, and unable to do anything. Some days, I struggle to shower, brush my hair, bathe, and even feed myself. Both are valid. I may not always think so but, that is besides the point. Ableism is a monster that lives inside of me- and I think that it might be a monster that lives inside of all of us because, I know that there are so many people in the world who think that “disabled” means being in a wheelchair, unable to walk, and unable to do anything for themselves. That is a common misconception, just like how depressed folks being lazy, or sleeping all the time is a common and hurtful stereotype.
Today started out as one of those days where, I did not think that I was going to leave my bed. I woke up amidst a pain flare. From the second I rolled over and opened my eyes, everything hurt- my head was throbbing, my eyes were swollen, and legitimately everything hurt. It was one of those days where if Angel were here, we would have probably just made some popcorn, turned on Lucifer since we’d finished Stranger Things already, and just stayed in bed.
(In the future, I will be making a post about the way that Stranger Things season 4 ended just, not right now.)
I did something like this, even if I was on my own. There was no popcorn, although I did have caramel rice chips, and I turned on Law & Order: SVU reruns to watch while I finished devouring the book that I’d started last night, Cursed by Marissa Meyer. I won’t go too far into detail about the book now, although, my review for both books in this duology can be found on my Goodreads but, I will say, it did make me feel better. Which is something I didn’t think I was going to be able to say because, when I woke up, I didn’t think anything was going to make me feel better.
(This is one book hangover, that I don’t think I’ll be getting over for quite some time.)
Then, I forced myself to get out of bed and prep the chicken. My plan was to make fried chicken tenders for dinner, and while I did have a few mishaps, I did so. Mishaps, like the chicken breasts being full of bones, which wasn’t something that I expected. So, I did have to go to the store and get more chicken, otherwise, there wouldn’t have been enough. -if anyone was wondering, I absolutely hate deboning chickens. The bones are tiny, and annoying, and just when you think that you’ve gotten them all, you’ll find another one that leaves you questioning if there are even more hiding from you. because I did get them all because, not once did my brother or grandmother complain about biting into a bone.
As for NaNoWriMo, I feel kinda crappy about the whole thing, especially since I haven’t really updated anyone on my wordcount for awhile. By awhile, I mean since the very first day… Just a quick recap, I started out day one with 2.5k words, and at the time, I felt really good about it. Normally, I struggle a lot on kickoff day. So, I had big hopes for this year, and where I wanted to be with NaNoWriMo 2022 by the time the month was over. And then I found out that Angel was leaving on the 4th. From the time that we found out that she was leaving, up until the time that I actually had to have her at O’Hare, we had less than four days… and mentally, I was not in a great place. Having essentially lost one of the biggest pieces of my support system, I’m still not in a great place, and I don’t know how long it’ll take me to bounce back.
Admittedly, right now, I’m behind.
Like… over 10k words behind, if I’m being honest. I have been trying, and I’m still trying. Will I make it to 50,000 words in 30 days? I don’t know. Am I going to give up? I don’t know the answer to that one either, if I’m sticking with this whole honesty thing. Following your dreams sucks when you don’t have a support system, and following your dreams also sucks when you’re lonely. I miss my best friend. I miss the person that I did everything with- and knowing that she’s got pneumonia makes it all suck just that much more because, I know that if she were here, she wouldn’t be in that situation.
So, in the meantime, I’m trying to get my wordcounts back up, unless we’re counting the 2k words that I’ve written here today. On top of the 3-4k that I’ve written in book reviews in the past couple of days. Aside from that, I’m working on my posting schedule because I’m happy to announce that I’ll be adding book reviews to my regular posting schedule because, I’ve been having a lot of fun writing reviews on Goodreads lately.
Until next time,
-Sky
Skyla N. Lambert
Author | Blogger | Bookworm | Book Reviewer
E. skylanarissalambert@gmail.com
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