(TW: Rant, Medical, Frustration, Rant, Burnout)
Originally, I had planned to sit down and write a post about the Neurologist appointment that I had been waiting on since July of this year. I wanted to say that it was a good appointment, and that the doctor helped me a lot, and that we had come up with some kind of plan for my ongoing care, and what we can do to help me feel better, and to help me with the migraines and the headaches that literally feel like they are killing me. I cannot say any of those things.
Instead, I get to say that the doctor told me, within less than five minutes of meeting me, that I was too complex of a case, and that he wanted me to go to the headache clinic in Chicago. The first appointment available to me is in April of 2023, which means waiting another four months. When I tell you that I am stressed. I feel like I’m on a constant merry-go-round of bullshit, and I want to get off.
To make matters worse, I wound up dropping out of the Writer Friends Challenge in Instagram due to my mental and physical health because, honestly… I can barely function. I either wake up with a headache, a migraine, or some other stabbing pain in my head, or throughout the day one develops, and it makes it hard to concentrate on literally anything. I haven’t been writing, even though I want to, and I haven’t been doing a whole lot of reading either. I can usually finish a 500-page book in one day but, even though I love the book that I’m currently reading (A Soul to Heal by Opal Rayne) I’m struggling. And I know that it isn’t the author’s fault because I absolutely loved A Soul to Keep, book one in the series, and I was extremely happy to find that there was a second book in the series.
It’s just one more thing that my health is taking away from me. I don’t write like I want to, I can’t read like I want to, I can’t hold a job, and it feels like my hands are tied behind my back. I can’t do anything. I feel stuck. One of the only things that I feel like I have going for me right now is that my new phone- which I also had planned to make a post about because I lost a lot of notes that I had in my old phone when it decided to start overheating and essentially fireball on me- has a little stylus pen, and a built in drawing app called PenUp, which I have been loving. I’ve been sketching out plague doctors because, what better to do when your health is garbage? Once I get a better hang of it, I think I’m going to start trying to draw the characters in my books, as well as some of the worldbuilding things I’ve been working on to at least feel like I’m doing something.
I know that I’m always saying, “Progress not perfection” but I don’t feel like I’ve been making any progress. Which makes me feel useless, and worthless, and I just haven’t had it in me to come on here and complain about all of it because, I know that no one wants to read that. People would rather read about my books, novels, and current writing projects than me sitting here bitching that my health sucks. At least that’s how I feel because, I don’t want to sit here complaining about how much my health sucks but, I also don’t want to just up and abandon this blog because I feel like it’s been a great outlet for me, and it’s been one of my only emotional outlets since my mom died.
As for now, I’m going to go make another cup of coffee, grab my notebook, and go lay in bed watching Law & Order: SVU reruns. If I’m lucky, maybe I can get at least a little bit of writing done. Even if it’s just outlining and worldbuilding, I’m at the point where I will take anything so long as it’s not me laying there, feeling like garbage, and doing nothing. Again. Thank you for always supporting me, and always listening, even though I don’t always have the most to say. You’ve all helped me make it through a rough two years.
I’d say it is what it is but… what it is, is exhausting.
And before I forget, Blessed Yule.
-Sky
Skyla N. Lambert
Author | Blogger | Bookworm
E. skylanarissalambert@gmail.com
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