(TW: Strong Language, Mental Health, Suicidal Ideation, Mentions of Death, Other Hard to Deal with Topics)
Well, here we are, as the title might suggest, back from the dead.
Since my grandmother died, I haven’t wanted to do much of anything, much less write. I’ve tried but, the words just won’t come out, and the ones that do are nothing but bitter, angry, and depressed, and those aren’t things that I want to share with the world much less read myself. Speaking of reading, that too, is something that’s fallen by the wayside. All my passions have had to take a back seat these past months, while I’ve tried to stitch myself, and my little family, back together as best I can.
The result is something like what I imagine people would compare Frankenstein’s monster to be; first, the good intentions of wanting to create something good and whole. To right a wrong and fix something that was irreparably broken. Morals begin to slip, you start doing things you said you would never be doing, justifying your ways, and saying that “it’s only for a little while” until suddenly, one day, you find yourself looking in the mirror, or at a monster that you have created, and you just don’t know what to do.
You’ve gone too far. You’ve lost yourself, done terrible things, and now the townspeople are coming for you with torches and pitchforks for the atrocities you’ve committed, all in the name of love.
Then again, that was the thing about Frankenstein’s monster, wasn’t it? He started off as a person, killed, and then stitched back together, using the pieces of others. He did not ask to be brought back to life, or to be used as a tool to end the lives of others. For all of we know, he was perfectly happy in an afterlife somewhere before Victor Frankenstein took it upon himself, to pluck him out of that place and bring him back to life. Then, in his new life, while feared and mistreated by his creator he was eloquent, benevolent, and sensitive, and only when he was cast out by his “family” -Victor, his creator, did he become “evil.” Had he reacted differently, and not cut himself off from everyone and everything, including his creation, things may have turned out much differently.
And while I haven’t been digging up any graves, or stitching corpses together, I feel like my list of atrocities is no shorter than Victor’s. I don’t write anymore, and I don’t read anymore. My days are simple in their broken, routine way, wake up, make sure my family (whatever is left of it) has their needs met, cosplay as a human being until it’s acceptable to return to my room, lose myself in some mindless movie or television show, and hope that sleep takes me. Some days, I go to doctor’s appointments, some days, I have no choice but to go to the pharmacy, or go to the grocery store, I plaster a fake smile on my face, and try my best to get through the day but inside, I’m counting each step, and every minute until I get to lay back down and stop existing.
My mental health has taken a hit. Depression and anxiety are nothing new for me, I’ve had both for as long as I can remember. Shocker. When someone grows up in a dysfunctional household, surrounded by death, disease, and addiction, that’s just something that comes along with it. Some people might call it collateral damage but this? This is so much worse. I hate it here. But like most people I’m doing my absolute best, and I’m trying my absolute hardest, even on bad days, like this one.
And to make matters worse, Angel and I were in a major car accident on September 19th, which totaled our family car. I’m not going to get too much into that but, I will say no one is deathly injured, it’s just going to be a long time before we have another vehicle, and in the meantime, that means relying on friends, family, and Uber to get around… which as someone with as many appointments as I have and almost zero walkability from where I live, things just got a lot harder.
In the meantime, I’m just out here trying to survive.
After all, you know what they say, don’t you? When it rains it fucking pours… Because if being disabled at 28-years old and unable to work wasn’t bad enough, sandwich losing my grandmother suddenly, and then a car accident a month later and losing my car on top of that, and now all of the new health issues that are popping up because of it. I’m tired and I’m at a loss, and not sure what to do.
One thing I can say for sure though, is that I am going to try to start writing and posting more, and I may even try my hand at NaNoWriMo this year because it is November first, and what the hell else am I going to do? I can’t really leave the house unless someone else drives me…
And for the record, this snow is driving me crazy.
-Sky
Leave a comment