Content Note: chronic illness, pain flares, migraines, severe weather (flooding, tornado warnings), horror themes (death, possession, mortuary setting), brief mention of trauma

🛌📡 LIVE FROM THE BLANKET NEST

Chronic illness called a ceasefire.
The weather outside chose violence.
So, we did what any reasonable cryptid would do:

We built a blanket nest.
We ordered Chinese food.
And we pressed play on something that promised fear… and delivered confusion.

Welcome back to the Den.

This is The Crippled Cryptid, and today’s broadcast comes to you from a body that said absolutely not to productivity and yes please to survival mode softness.

🛌 The Bed Jail™ State of Affairs

Illinois in April has been… theatrical.

Migraines throwing furniture.
Tornado warnings knocking at the door.
The Fox River creeping a little too close for comfort.

We’re safe. That matters most.

But it also means we’ve been spending more time in Bed Jail™.
Not always by choice.
But not always as punishment either.

Because here’s the quiet truth:

Bed Jail™ is not just where I survive.
Sometimes it’s where I live.

Luna curled against my legs
M&M within arm’s reach
Something playing in the background
Snacks close enough to feel like a small victory

There are worse places to be.

🍜 The Vibe Check (Featuring Chinese Food Supremacy)

This was not a “we planned this movie night” situation.

This was a “my body said no and my soul said crab rangoons” situation.

So, we pivoted.

• Beef and snow peas with white rice (me)
• Crab rangoons (essential, sacred)
• Happy Family with fried rice (M&M, as always)
• Pan-fried noodles
• A massive wonton soup to share

And honestly?
That meal carried more emotional coherence than the movie.

🎬 Today’s Feature: The Mortuary Assistant

Where We Watched: Streaming on AMC+ / Shudder

The Premise

Rebecca Owens, newly certified mortician, takes on a night shift embalming bodies alone. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m practically a ghoul but, I don’t think I could.)

Naturally, things escalate.

Demonic rituals.
Possession.
A mentor with secrets.
A night that spirals into something much darker than expected.

On paper? Delicious.
In execution? …we’ll talk.

⭐ The Official Bed Jail™ Rating

⭐ Stars: 2 (begrudgingly… maybe 3 if we’re feeling generous and factoring in the food)
🛌 Blankets: 2 (not cozy, not gripping, just kind of… there)
🥄 Spoons: High investment, low payoff

Bed Jail™ Broadcast Status: Survival Watch
Luna’s Opinion: Slept through it. Probably correct.
Snack Pairing: 10/10, no notes, would emotionally support again

🐾 Luna Notes

• “There were no actual dogs in this movie. Suspicious.”
• “Mama #2 did not scream. Therefore, not scary. She didn’t even hide behind blankies.”
• “The spooky energy was low. I remained off-duty.”
• “I would like it on record that the wonton soup was the most compelling part of this experience.”
• “If there had been a demon, I would have handled it.”

🧠 Let’s Talk About It (Because We Have Questions)

I wanted to like this.

I expected to like this.

This had been floating around TikTok as “really scary” and “worth the watch.” Even the Yard Yeti had given it a spin with friends.

But somewhere between the premise and the credits… the story just slipped through its own fingers.

Horror doesn’t need to explain everything, but it does need to understand its own rules. This didn’t.

It left a lot to be desired, in fact… I think that it left out a lot of it’s own plot, and I don’t know if it’s because it was based off of a game, or if it’s just because there were things that they forgot to tell us.

❓ The “I’ll Explain Everything” That Never Happens

Raymond keeps saying:

“Come upstairs, I’ll explain everything.”

He does not.

If you can’t tell, this is my least favorite part of Raymond. In fact, it’s one of the several things that makes me hate him.

• No real explanation of how he became a vessel
• No origin of his knowledge
• No clear understanding of the rules
• Just vague, unfinished threads

Books have ARC readers, and they have BETA readers, I’m starting to think that movie scripts, and movies in general need something similar because, the amount of plot holes that I experienced in this movie were… overwhelming.

🚪 The Mystery of… Everything

• Why are the mortuary doors removed?
• Where is Raymond during key moments?
• Why is he half-dressed on that call?
• How long has any of this been happening?

The movie gestures at answers like it’s about to hand you something meaningful…
And then just quietly backs out of the room.

I get it, some things are scarier when left to the imagination but you need to give people something first to imagine. A crumb at the very least. But there were no crumbs here.

👹 The Demon That Ghosted Its Own Movie

This one stings.

Because the trailers?
They delivered.

The creature design was unsettling enough that M&M almost didn’t want to watch at all.

And then in the actual movie?

You barely see it.
No real payoff. No lingering dread.

It’s like being promised a monster and getting… a rumor.

🎮 A Note on the Game

The original The Mortuary Assistant leans heavily on atmosphere, repetition, and slow-building dread.

You’re alone.
Doing the same rituals over and over.
Never fully sure what’s real.

That’s where the fear lives.

I haven’t personally played the game yet, but I have watched some gameplay clips floating around TikTok, and honestly? It looks really good.

It feels tense in a way that builds on itself instead of rushing past its own ideas.

I’d absolutely give it a try if I ever get the chance.

And that’s part of what makes the movie frustrating.

Because the blueprint for something genuinely unsettling was already there.

🧾 Final Thoughts from the Blanket Nest

This wasn’t a hate-watch.

It was worse than that.

It was a confused watch.

There’s something here. You can feel it trying to exist.
But it never quite becomes anything solid.

Which makes the disappointment sharper, because the bones of a genuinely terrifying story were right there.

🛌 Closing Transmission

That’s today’s Bed Jail™ Broadcast.

Watched from under blankets.
Fueled by takeout and stubborn curiosity.
Narrated by pain, comfort, and the quiet determination to still find something worth talking about.

If you’re reading this from your own version of Bed Jail™
You’re not doing life wrong.

Rest is not a failure state.
It’s sometimes the safest, softest place to land.

Whether this was a survival watch or a joy watch
I’m glad you were here for it.

We’ll be back when the body allows.

Until then
Stay warm
Stay gentle with yourself
And if you can… pet the dog

If something here hit close to home, you’re not alone.
If you stayed anyway, thank you.
You don’t have to earn your place here.

-Sky
© The Crippled Cryptid
Disability. Honesty. A little chaos.
(Maybe a little dog fur.)

🔗 https://linktr.ee/skylanarissa

No pressure to donate. Reading and sharing count.
If you want to support the long, unglamorous work of survival and mobility:
💜 https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-skys-journey-to-health-and-mobility