Progress; Not Perfection.

         I say those words to myself every day. Sometimes multiple times a day.

         Progress; Not Perfection.

         Because I am sometimes a perfectionist, and that is a problem. I’m not saying that I hate perfectionists, or anything silly like that. Just that, for me, perfectionism is a dangerous thing. I suffer wildly from imposter syndrome. Something that tells me that if I am not in the same place as my friends at 26-years old, that there’s something wrong with me. If I am not XY and Z all the time, and do not heal at the same pace as others, there is something wrong with me.

         Logically, I know there’s not. But, sometimes, logic and I don’t always communicate the way we should; logic and I don’t even speak the same language sometimes and let me tell you why. I’ve been learning German on Duolingo this past year. My family is German, and so far, I’ve tried French, Italian, and German on the Duolingo app and the German one just so happens to be my favorite. It’s the language that sticks for me- and maybe that’s because some of the music I like, and listen to is in German- and you know what? That’s okay.

         But I have a 106-day streak right now. I’ve earned 3936 total XP. And in total, I’ve learned 93-words. However, Angel is doing Duolingo too, now. She’s doing French, and so far she has a 34-day streak. She’s earned 641 total XP. And in total, she’s learned 154-words. She’s doing great, and even though I’m proud of her, and I’m rooting for her to keep going, I’m jealous. I started first, and while I’ve been doing it longer, she’s learning more than I am. But you know what? That’s kind of the funny thing about the way my brain works.

         Just because I’m jealous of her success doesn’t make me any less proud of her. It doesn’t mean I want her to quit because, I’m honestly rooting or the day she hits 100-days, like I did. I can’t wait to watch her reach her goals. Yet, at the same time the imposter syndrome is telling me that I should give up because, in a way, I’m not as far as she is.

         But I don’t want to do that. So, I’m doing my best to keep going.

         That’s why every day after I do my Duolingo practice, lesson, or whatever you want to call it, I work on my 100-days of words mini challenge. You know, that thing I was talking about before, where I make myself show up and do the bare minimum. Which for me, has been 15-minutes a day. Though, I’ll fully admit that those 15-minutes almost always turn into an hour, or sometimes longer. Sometimes, I’ll even go back a couple times a day and repeat the process, it’s been really good for me and my self-esteem.

Am I reaching “typical” NaNoWriMo goals? Yes. Surpassing them even. Why? Because I am not demanding 1,667 words from myself every day. I’m just asking myself to try. My eyes aren’t glued to the word counter in the corner of my Word document. Instead, I’m just going with the flow, and letting myself do as much as I can. After that 15-minutes, I can stop if I want to, or I can keep going. Most of the time, I get up for a couple minutes, go grab a snack, and then I’m right back at it.

As for healing from the DRG placement? I know I haven’t posted much about that yet. And I’m going to, I promise. It’s been a long, hard healing process. Yesterday was my first day back at work, today is my second, so I’ll probably make a whole DRG post tomorrow so, I can talk about my first “week” back at work. I hope you’re all staying safe, and happy.

-Sky