(TW: Rats, Snakes, Death, Depression, & Mental Health Struggles)
Let me preface this by saying that this post is incredibly hard for me to make.
Over the course of writing this, I can guarantee you that behind the scenes, I will start, stop, cry, erase, and rewrite all of this at least fifteen times. If you don’t like rats, click off, click away, go find another post, or doomscroll TikTok or something because, this whole post will be about rats. Rats, death, and my heartbreak, honestly.
When I first planned to write this post, it was supposed to be nothing more than a happy, lighthearted post about how much I love my rats. Something that I’d initially planned to write, and keep in the queue for a time where I was feeling sick, under the weather, or had too many doctor’s appointments to think clearly. Just something I could have ready to post at a moments notice, and maybe to talk a little bit about how far we’ve come in the two, almost three years that I’ve been keeping rats now. Unfortunately, that’s no longer the case, as this afternoon we unfortunately found out that one of our girls had passed away.
As much as I love my girls, I feel like I have to preface this by saying that rats were not something I ever expected to keep as pets. I was a snake girl first- I got my first snake, a beautiful corn snake named Lestat in 2011 (may he rest in peace) and I honestly never saw myself looking in any other direction. After all, I didn’t think you could be both a snake person and a rat person, even though not once in my time as a snake-keeper have I ever fed live prey. (And that is something I am immensely proud of.) However, Lestat passed away in 2016, and he took a huge part of me, and my heart with him. To those who know me personally, you might’ve heard me say on more than one occasion that he took my passion for snakes and reptiles with him. He was the first snake I’d ever really held outside of Rainforest Café’s lame little exhibit when it still existed in Gurnee Mills mall. His bright brown eyes, big personality, and everything else about him called to me. He was my first, although not my last. (I still have one of my snakes- a ball python named Sasu who we got in May of 2012. He’s an “old man” now, and I still love him dearly but, he will be my last snake for the foreseeable future.)
But in 2020, I was lonely.
Covid-19 was ravishing the world, I was out of work, and what I would consider “newly disabled.” I’d obviously had health issues my entire life but, for me, it was the first time that I’d actually felt disabled. Everything sucked. That sounds dramatic but, that’s how it felt. I was going through a lot physically and mentally- emotionally, I was drained, fucked up, and just not a person anymore. All I was at that time was doctor’s appointments, physical therapy, and questions that nobody could or wanted to answer.
Now it’s two-years later, I finally have (some) answers and I’m trying to do better mentally and emotionally. Physically, I’m really in no position to talk but, the rats really helped me. It started out with Zero- named after the ghost dog in Nightmare Before Christmas. In no way did I see her coming. I had my brother, Matthew, take me to the pet shop after physical therapy one day because I’d heard they’d just gotten in a hedgehog. I’m familiar with hedgehogs, I’ve owned them in the past, and I had more than enough space, toys, and resources leftover from when my last poglet died. I was just looking for something to love, and care for, something that would allow me to heal, and help me through a hard time.
She was that, and so much more.
Zero was a little white rat with a gray splotch on her face. She was also the first rat the person at the pet shop put in my hands, and I was very nervous. I was nervous, uncomfortable, and unsure. I didn’t think I wanted rats. But the pet shop worker asked what I was looking for, and when I told him, he’d asked if I’d ever had rats. I said no, and they asked if they could show me what they had. The second she was in my arms, it was love. She ran up my sleeves, crawled into my hoodie, and fell right asleep. She was a squeaker. She would squeak the whole time she was on you- in your hair, in your arms, as she ran around my desk. Not scared squeaks or get away from me squeaks. Just kind of like she had a lot to say.
My Zero passed away on December 21st, 2020. I’d had her just shy of a month. To this day, we don’t know what happened. I came home from Christmas shopping with my little brother to find her “asleep” in her cage, curled up with her sister. When I went to wake her up to take them out, I found out that she’d passed away peacefully. I was heartbroken and devastated.
Her, and her sister, Boo were my first rats. My Boo Girl is still here with me. She’s getting older but, she’s still the bright-eyed troublemaker with the wiggly pink nose that she’s always been. So, it wouldn’t have surprised me all that much if it were Boo who I’d found at peace today.
My little brother, Pip, went along with me after Zero died to find a companion for Boo. Rats are better off in multiples, otherwise they’ll get lonely, depressed, and will possibly hurt themselves. It wasn’t an easy decision, and at first a part of me wanted to just rehome Boo. I loved her dearly but, Zero was what people in the rat community might call my “heart rat.” She was silly, and loving, and wanted me all the time. She never wanted to be in the cage, she just wanted to be with me.
I never thought I’d find another soul like Zero.
But, much to my surprise, when we went to the pet store… a bright little soul with curly whiskers stood out to me. Like Zero, the second she was in my hands, she climbed up and snuggled into the crick of my neck. Every time BJ tried to grab for her, wanting to see her too, she would just snuggle even further down into my hoodie like she was saying “no, I don’t want to go.” That silly, curly-whiskered being would eventually come to be called Chai. She was all white, aside from her “mask” which was gray, and a white patch on the very top of her head.
Her favorite things in the whole world were watermelon, sunflower seeds, frozen peas, and blueberries. She loved shrimps, getting to taste anything and everything, and came to be known very quickly as my desk baby. She had a “desk bed” that she would lounge in constantly while I was at my desk, and when she wasn’t running around, she’d either sleep there while I worked on writing, or in my lap. Today, on 10/4/2022, she passed away peacefully in her sleep.
Our hearts are shattered.
Chai was always the first at the cage doors when it came time for treats, or dinner, or to refill their water. She wanted nothing more than headpats and snacks. The pictures and videos that I have of her, will never be enough to replace her. Hug your furbabies just a little tighter tonight, give them that extra treat that they love, and take the damn pictures. Someday, when they’re gone, and you’re still here, you’ll wish that you had them.
In loving memory of Chai.
12/21/2020-10/4/2022.
-Sky
Leave a comment