(TW: Bugs, Frustrations, Medical Trauma, & Venting.)
When I tell you that I want to scream, cry, and tear my hair out, I mean it.
The garden was doing so well… and I do mean, so fucking well. The zucchini was huge, thriving, and beautiful. They were perfect, until they started flopping over from what we’d all just assumed to be the heat. We’d checked for bugs, monitored the soil, and when we didn’t see anything wrong, we just kept going on about our day. As it turned out though, my beautiful plants were being waged war upon by something called a vine borer beetle. From what I understand, these nasty little buggers lay their eggs in your vining plants, like zucchini, and leave. When the eggs hatch, the larvae eat your plants from the inside out, which is what makes them flop over, and when they’re large and fed… they move on and do it to other plants to further their species.
Because of this we had to end up ripping out five of the six plants out of the ground and throwing them far away from the other plants in hopes of saving the one remaining plant. Sadly, it looks like all of them are contaminated, which means that there will be no more zucchini from our garden this year. Despite my utter disappointment, I think I’m still going to post the pictures of the good squash that we did end up getting because, this is just our first year… and there are bound to be hiccups, right?
At the same time though, I cannot help but feel upset and discouraged.
Before my grandmother died, I was never big into gardening. It was never my thing, and it was never something that I had put much effort into. She’d have her garden, go play in her dirt, and it usually meant that she’d be leaving me alone so that I could indulge in my own hobbies like reading or writing. But still the thought of having this empty garden in the middle of the yard was jarring, and so when my friend decided he would rebuild the garden for me, it was a task that I took on.
It was also something that I’ve taken great pride in, and care of this year.
Despite the zucchini being dead now, tomatoes are finally starting to ripen, which is literally insane. Part of me feels like it has taken forever but, at the same time I know that heirloom tomatoes typically take a long time, and the weather hasn’t exactly been great for tomatoes. It’s kind of funny, they were supposed to be beefsteak tomatoes but, they’re very clearly not. I’ll leave some pictures of our tomato harvests here because they are beautiful, and I love them. Eating a tomato sandwich, with the tomatoes that I have grown myself, is one of the best feelings in the entire world. We’ve also made multiple pasta sauces, all with our own tomatoes from the garden.
But, gardening isn’t the only “new” thing in our lives.
As you know, awhile back, we adopted a beautiful Australian Cattle Dog named Luna. Since then, we’ve all learned a lot! Luna has learned a ton of commands, like “sit”, “lay down”, “paw”, “other paw”, and how to both stay and wait. She’s working on learning “find” now, and if you ask her while she’s out to “find the car” she can do that! We’re also trying to name her toys like, “ball” or “lamb” so that in the future we can tell her to find other items, and she’ll be able to bring them to us. So far, she’s doing really good with that, and of course, she knows “drop it” or “put down” whatever item it is. This helps with us teaching her how to pick up dropped items, which will inevitably help with me on days when I’m struggling to bend.
One of her current favorite training techniques is “find the cookie.” So, she’ll get to sniff, and even scrape her teeth on a cookie to taste it, and then one of us in the house will hold Luna, while they other takes the cookie and hides it. When the signal is given, Luna is given the command to “find the cookie” and then she’ll hunt and sniff it out. My plan is that once she’s got “find” down, we can attach a cookie to an old, cleaned out pill bottle, and then have her “find meds” or find other items that may be needed, or we’ll have the other person run off and hold onto the cookie, and we can do a “Find BJ” or “Find Mama,” which will later lead into “Find Help.” But, those phases are far off still.
For now, we’ve just started very light public access work, where Luna will get dressed in her service dog harness, and we’ll do little public training sessions. Yesterday, we went into Home Depot, where she did phenomenal. Luna was quiet, well-behaved, and even though I’d forgotten the training treats at home, I didn’t need them to redirect her to pay attention when I needed to. She did get a little scared of the forklift but, I have to hand it to her, even I’m afraid of those things at times!
Our local Home Depot is pet friendly, so we’d wound up bringing both dogs, and the workers, and customers there were fantastic! So many people asked about Bear, what breed he was, and if he was friendly and they could pet. Most people knew that Luna, in her gear, was off limits. Although, there was a nice worker who did ask if she could have a cookie, and I did allow it since it wasn’t interfering with training her. My proudest moment yesterday with Luna was, when we walked into the store, and the worker who knew that she shouldn’t distract Luna asked if she could pet her- and while I did say yes, Luna completely ignored her. It was a wonderful teaching moment for her because, even if people in public do know her name, I want her to learn to ignore people, loud sounds, and other animals while we’re out and about in “service dog mode.” -I hope that makes sense.
Luna went out with us again today to Walmart. We only needed to grab 3 items to make dinner tonight, and she did so well! She performed body blocking behaviors, standing in front of, and guarding/protecting my bad like, as well as bracing when I needed to bend down for something. I could not have been any more proud of her, especially when she got spooked when a disabled man in an electronic shopping cart rolled too close to her with the cart. -I will say, however, I was rather disappointed in the man and the woman he was with because, they were talking to her despite being a service dog, and clearly being labeled as such in a non-pet friendly establishment. Their comments include, “Oh hi puppy!” and “What’s your name?! Can I pet you?! No, I can’t you’re working, aren’t you?” Which obviously led me to say, “No, I’m sorry, she’s working.” I got a fairly dirty look for saying no but, distracting a service dog can lead their handler to having a medical episode, and Luna is being taught that while she’s in her vest she is working, and needs to behave in a specific way.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only incident today. As we were leaving the store, and heading towards checkout, I wound up having an issue with a mother and her child. The child sped up behind me, speedwalking after Luna and I, and despite Babe letting out a sharp whistle (more to startle the child or attract the mother’s attention, than to correct Luna, who was doing nothing wrong) this child still managed to grab onto Luna’s tail and spooked her. We turned off immediately into another isle so I could calm Luna down while Babe caught back up to us but, it was disheartening to me. Luna got right back into “service dog mode” after a second but, the fact that the mother allowed this is upsetting to me, and while I know I probably should’ve spoken out and said something like “she’s a service dog, please don’t touch her” unfortunately I clammed up in the moment.
Even if the child couldn’t read all of the patches on Luna’s vest that say, “Service Dog in Training,” or “Do Not Pet”, and “Do Not Distract”, even the “Not All Disabilities are Visible” patch (despite me having the cane again today) that’s really no excuse because, the mother can read. The mother can clearly read but, there’s no use in wishing you can go back in time so, I guess it is what it is. -I say this but, even so, I’m sitting here looking at all of my extra service dog patches, working on both customizing them and putting Velcro on others, gaslighting myself into believing that we did something wrong.
Speaking of gaslighting, tomorrow, I’ll be making a phone call to a clinical psychologist to talk about whether or not I am mentally stable enough to go through another DRG trial. For those of you who have been following my DRG journey, I know your first question is probably (and rightfully so) “What the actual fuck?” because, then you know that I got my first DRG stimulator put in, trial and all, in 2021. I then had to have a revision in 2022, and I had the stimulator removed as a hole earlier this year because it had stopped working entirely- leads were out of place, and the ones that weren’t simply weren’t responding to the stimuli anymore… again. Now, my new pain management doctor wants me to try the traditional DRG, and in all honesty, I am without any shadow of a doubt against the idea.
I do not want another DRG stimulator trial. I do not want another DRG stimulator at all. They don’t work for me. -Maybe they work for some other people out there but, my rheumatologist says that they almost never, ever works for patients with EDS and fibromyalgia. Not even just that, the leads will move, yet again… and I will inevitably need to be cut up again and again and again. I think it goes without saying- and if it doesn’t, I will say it again- I do not want to be cut open again. I do not want to go through another pointless surgery, which is why I left the last pain doctor in favor of this office, and then the doctor himself unfortunately left the practice.
Maybe most people won’t understand what I’m about to say unless they’re part of the Spoonie/Chronic illness community, or maybe you will but, I would rather take 100 pills a day or more and actually have some of the desired effects, rather than going through this endless and ongoing cycle of surgery after surgery. Every time, I’m forced to talk to these psychologists, and then we go through the prep phase, blood tests, blown veins, and bruises where I end up with a trial taped and glued to my body while I’m knocked out on a table. Over the next week, my skin is left to fester and blister because MCAS (and my body) are allergic to adhesives, and they make me blister, and it is Hell. When it is finally time to remove the tape, trials, etc. they’re peeling my skin off with them, and I’m being told that I have no pain tolerance (Dr. Amin) because “a little tape shouldn’t hurt that bad.” Then, guess what, it’s weeks of healing from the tape and the “minimal” cutting that they do to install the trial, as if it’s some kind of half-assed free trial of a TV subscription I know I’m not going to use or want in the first place! We get a surgery set, and I do it all over again, the monthly adjustments, being told it’ll work, just give it time, blahh blahh blahh, until they realize that I’m right, it doesn’t work, and we’re starting the whole cycle over in order to cut it out of me.
But, what the Hell do I know? I’m not a doctor. -That’s what the doctor would say at least despite my allergist and rheumatologist both being against this too. I’m just stressed out, and frustrated, rightfully so if you ask me. The rheumatologist agrees I need the service dog, so does the allergist, can you guess which doctor asked me, “what do you need that for, you’re so young?” If you’re thinking it’s the same one who said I was too young to have a cane, a walker, and a wheelchair but, the doctor that doesn’t think I’m too young to have yet another stimulator surgery on the books, at not even 30-years old, you would be correct.
It’s been a long couple of weeks.
Hopefully, things will calm down, and everything will work out in the end.
Until Next Time,
-Sky
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