Hi. Hello. Sit. Stay. Breathe.
It’s me.
Luna Bean.
Medical alert service dog.
Professional Velcro shadow.
Full-time symptom supervisor.
Heated blankie hog.
Certified Good Girl™ with a minor attitude problem and an extremely serious work ethic.
Normally, I let my human handle the talking here in the Cryptid’s Den. They like words. I like results. But today is January 2nd, 2026, which means it is officially a New Year Post and therefore subject to a Luna Takeover™ under Section One: Vibes Management and Human Containment.
Let’s review.
New year.
Same haunted meat suit.
Same Bed Jail™.
Same excellent dog.
Hopefully better snacks.
My goals for 2026 include but are not limited to: keeping my human alive, upright when possible, horizontal when necessary, and emotionally regulated through the strategic application of pressure therapy, stare-downs, and unauthorized face kisses.
If you’re new here, welcome. I’m watching you.
If you’ve been here before, you already know the rules.
Pull up a spot on the couch.
Mind the wires.
Hydrate.
Take your meds.
And make sure you’ve eaten today. -no, coffee doesn’t count as a meal.
I’ll allow it.
For the record, when this post goes live, Mama is probably still in Bed Jail™.
She had a six-day heart monitor put on December 29th, which means it comes off Sunday morning. She cannot wait. Every tiny reprieve, meaning showers, changing the sticky pads, or charging the device, sparks immediate joy. But don’t worry. Mama #2, also known as M&M, makes sure it goes right back on the second it needs to. It’s a very important test. Important enough that it went from a five-day continuous monitor to six days, which means the doctors wanted extra information.
There is a very strong chance we are in the middle of a See marathon on Apple TV now that we’ve finished Stranger Things.
No spoilers. Mama promised the peoples. She is almost certainly wearing the Stranger Things blanket hoodie, which is critical contextual information.
This also means she is still on seizure watch.
The Keppra is, as the humans say, still kicking her ass. But the neurologist says we stay on it, so we stay on it. Mama is not thrilled. She does not like Bed Jail™ or staying still for long stretches. Boredom is unkind to Mama.
That’s why I’m here. Along with M&M and the Yard Yeti. We are running a tight rotation of supervision, snacks, and emotional support. I take first watch very seriously.
Which is why New Year’s Eve was extremely low-key. Nothing fancy. We made homemade pizza. By we, I mean Mamas. I got to supervise, and I got the crusts! We still had fancy, sparkling grape juice at midnight though- on video with Aunt Lise!
For New Year’s Day, we decided to adopt her tradition of cheese fondue. So, we dumped packets into the Nuwave cooker, and off we went!
Mama wanted to make paella, she and Aunt Lise decided against it. The crabs did not pass the vibe check this year. No one, and I do mean no one is paying $30 per pound for green slimy king crab that’s barely bigger than a snow crab. That’s what Mama says.
🕯️ Welcome to the Lunatic Café
If this is your first time here, welcome. This is The Crippled Cryptid, a cozy corner of the internet where disability, chronic illness, service dogs, and everyday sorcery curl up under a soft lamp like polite ghosts sharing secrets.
Normally my human Sky does the introductions.
And the writing. And the big feelings.
She is:
• A professional cryptid
• A very unwilling amateur cyborg
• Medically interesting in a way that makes doctors sigh loudly
• The owner of several mobility aids that I personally supervise
• And not very good at listening when she’s told to sit her ass down.
But today? Today is my shift.
I run this café now.
Menu specials include migraine alerts, seizure monitoring, deep pressure therapy, and emotional support via aggressive cuddling.
And hopefully Costco salmon skins.
🐾 How I Got Here (Or: I Was Never Supposed to Be Someone Else’s Dog)
Once upon a time, I came from a place that was… not good.
My first home was what Mama calls “sketchy.”
I was given away online. Free, they said. Like a couch. Or an old lamp. Or a dog whose needs were inconvenient.
Later, my humans learned that “can’t keep her anymore” actually meant:
• We lied about her age
• No vet care
• Not spayed
• Underweight
• And mysteriously wanted back after exactly one month
• Then another month
• Then six months
• Then a year
Their stories kept changing. They even offered another dog in my place. A boy dog. Same kind. Also not fixed.
I think you understand why they wanted me back. And why they hoped I wouldn’t be spayed.
Mama used the phrase “over my dead body” at least twice, followed by several very educational curse words in another language. M&M did too. Does anyone know what “tabarnak” means?
I don’t know everything about my past. But I do know this:
• I was already alerting to migraines
• I was already alerting to dizziness
• I was already alerting to heart rate spikes
• I already knew Deep Pressure Therapy
• And eventually, I was alerting to seizures too
What they called disobedience was a working dog trapped with the wrong people.
I was never going back.
The moment I walked through Mama’s front door, she decided I was hers forever.
I am here today, tomorrow, and always.
Even during two-year regressions. Even during puppy moments.
I am very lucky. I love my family.
🛡️ In Case Anyone Was Wondering
I am not just part of this family.
I am a federally protected medical alert service dog.
That means:
• I work
• I train
• I practice
• And sometimes I steal all the blankets because I am a dog, not a saint
Service dogs do not “finish” training. We practice for life, the same way humans practice walking, speaking, or surviving capitalism.
So, what does that look like for me in 2026?
I’m glad you asked.
🐕🦺 Things I’m Practicing in 2026 (Because I’m a Professional)
These are skills I already have, but repetition keeps us safe:
• The basics (Come. Sit. Stay. Wait. Down. Paw.)
• Recall (EVERY pup should have a good recall- not just service dogs.)
• Migraine alerts
• Seizure alerts
• Dizzy spell alerts
• Heart rate spike alerts
• Muscle spasm alerts
• Deep pressure therapy
• Walking politely with a cane
• Walking politely with a rollator
• Find Mama
Right now, while Mama’s brain chemistry is doing gymnastics thanks to Keppra, I am on high-alert duty. Bed Jail™ rules apply. I monitor breathing, movement, and overall vibes. If something feels wrong, I make it known.
This is not optional.
This is love.
🦽✨ New Skills We’re Learning in 2026
Expansion packs.
• Walking politely beside a wheelchair
• Walking politely beside a walker
• Off-leash tasking when safe and appropriate
• Picking up dropped items
• Fetching medication
• Fetching water
• Faster alerts in high-distraction environments
• Practicing calm neutrality around nonsense
Yes, service dogs can legally be off leash while actively tasking. We practice carefully, intentionally, and with trust.
Please do not distract working dogs. Do not stare. Do not call to us. Do not make kissy noises. And absolutely do not touch without asking.
Your distraction could be the difference between a safe alert and a medical emergency.
Service dogs are not robots. We are trained for patience, but we still feel fear when tiny humans run toward us screaming “puppy” or in my case “Bluey.” That happens more than you’d think.
Ask first. Always.
Consent matters.
Some service dog handlers, like Mama, are more than happy to talk to you and your little ones about their service dogs when they are feeling well enough. Mama even wants to have stickers made of me for well-behaved tiny humans. Just keep in mind that we aren’t fashion accessories, we have a job, and we are here for a reason. So, if our humans say no… it’s not because they’re mean and they don’t like you. It’s just that they may not be feeling well.
🌱 Remembering Bear
This is our first New Year without Bear.
He was the Old Man of the house. Couch potato. Cheese enthusiast. Keeper of naps.
Mama misses him. A lot.
So do I.
We all do.
In 2026, we are learning how to carry grief without letting it hollow us out. We are planting flowers. Spending more time in the garden. Letting sunlight reach the places that still hurt.
Bear is still part of this pack.
Forever.
🎾 Also Important Non-Work Goals
I have dreams. Big ones. Because everyone big and small should have dreams. Even service dogs. So, here are some of mine thar aren’t work-related!
In 2026, I am hoping for:
• More dog park time- my favorite one is in Elkhorn. Mama likes taking me here when we go grocery shopping!
• More public access outings- I love exploring the world with Mama, so even though it IS work related, it counts.
• More ball time
• Another glow ChuckIt Kick Fetch ball! (Maybe 2 or 3?)
• More squeakers
• More salmon skins
• Reese’s Barkery treats (Homemade peanut butter pies are the BEST!)
• Warm days
• Mama smiling more
• Maybe learning how to swim
We will investigate water carefully.
🐾 From Me to You
What are you hoping to learn, practice, or survive in 2026?
Training a dog counts.
Training yourself counts.
Surviving counts.
Thank you for reading.
Thank you for caring.
Thank you for respecting disabled humans and working dogs.
I will now return control of the blog to my human. Probably.
Love you.
I’m here. I’ve got you.
-Luna Bean
Medical Alert Service Dog
Service Dingo™
© The Crippled Cryptid
Disability, honesty, and vigilant supervision.
If you’re here, you’re under my watch now.
If today was heavy, you did enough by making it through.
If you’re reading this from Bed Jail™, stay put. I’ll guard the door.
🔗 https://linktr.ee/skylanarissa
There’s never pressure to give anything- your presence counts.
But if you’d like to support my human’s journey toward health, stability, and mobility, you can do so here:
💜 https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-skys-journey-to-health-and-mobility
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